I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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