I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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