in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
