Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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