Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
