Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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