I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
