That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
