did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Brb crying the tears of my youth
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