i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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