He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
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