I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
