Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
