Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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