Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
