I smell stomach acid.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
