i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
