my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
