you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
