She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
