dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
