how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
whose parrot is this?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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