i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
