Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
