i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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