Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
