i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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