I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
