Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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