he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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