Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
