oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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