Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
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