My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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