my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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