if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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