Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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