I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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