Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
