Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
