i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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