As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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