Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
