I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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