Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Randomize
