Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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