I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
