He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
