i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
