Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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