You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
