so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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