Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
