mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
