mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
