I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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