Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
