Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
this just has baby written all over it
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
