i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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