I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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